Personal Interlude: "Bopping About Texas Frightmare Weekend With Kylo Boomhauer"

Dallas’s Greatest Horror Convention Gets An Unexpected Visitor

(Remember how, in the days of standard episodic television before streaming and binging, many dramas and some comedies would give a thumbnail update starting with “Previously on…”, flashing scenes so fast that people starting midway through a season or story were more confused than before? Well, that’s what this newsletter is like. Look at these as regular updates of how the sausage is made, with what, and whether or not the staff washed their hands after they used the toilet. Or, worse, if they only washed their hands before using the toilet.)

For those of you coming in late, your humble chronicler had a previous career before starting the Annals of St. Remedius Medical College. (The second anniversary of which was May 24, as my fiance Sarah, Jeri Cale to my Russell Post, pointed out the other day. Man, does the time fly.) Between 2008 and 2023, I ran the Texas Triffid Ranch, a now-defunct carnivorous plant gallery, and for the first seven years of that time, the Triffid Ranch had no physical location. Instead, the Triffid Ranch scraped out spaces at craft fairs, science fiction conventions, and museum events in between day job responsibilities, ultimately getting the opportunity to set up a proper gallery in 2015. Since 2009, one of the biggest of those events was Texas Frightmare Weekend, a three-day orgy of cinematic sex and violence currently headquartered at the Irving Convention Center, and for 14 years, attendees could stop by and talk plants for as long as Frightmare’s dealer’s room was open. Many dear friends were made during those years, and while I’m very glad I shut down the Triffid Ranch when I did, leaving early to avoid the rush, I still miss the delightful weirdos I met back in those days.

Unfortunately, when you’re well-known at Dallas cultural events for a specific inventory, it’s hard to just walk away without people bringing you back. Most mean well: the folks who see you and excitedly ask “Did you bring plants!” or want a 45-minute explanation of why everything shut down. Some don’t: three years after the Triffid Ranch shut down, and I still get Highland Park twits who see me in public and scream “Feed me, Seymour! Feed me, Seymour!” over and over until I yell back “Brawndo’s got what plants crave!” (They get really offended when you yell “Water...like from the toilet?”) Then you have the in-betweens who want to commiserate about the gallery’s closing by telling you “I always wanted to get out there, but you know...” Don’t even get me started with the Spy Clowns. In this case, coming out to events like this in a natural persona just asks for emotional pain nobody wants or needs, so it’s time to fall upon the services of that greatest of the Roamers, Kylo Boomhauer.

Kylo Boomhauer hasn’t been out for a walk since last December’s Ultimate Exonormal Gift Overload event, so let’s do the sane thing and put on a body suit and mask right when Texas temperatures go from “cool and friendly” to “courting heat exhaustion.” In addition, aside from a side trip with my friend Danielle in 2023 (she needed an autograph from Alex Winter, and I was bringing remaining plants for a charity giveaway), I’ve never been on the other side of the dealer’s table. I had NO IDEA how thick the crowds could be, or how carefully and ruthlessly efficient the Frightmare staff is at getting everyone in the right place at the right time. Don’t get me wrong: the crowds were friendly and helpful. It’s just that standing out in Dallas sun at the end of May is tasking on anybody, and especially in an all-black getup.

Now to warn everyone in advance, the dealer’s room at Frightmare deserves one adjective, and that’s “intense.” There’s a lot of movie memorabilia, but a lot of original art, DVDs, posters, wall hangings, masks and costuming gear, and just about anything you can imagine. Picture literally thousands of people in the biggest hall in a big convention center, with many bringing baskets and carts to haul away their booty. It takes effort and willpower worthy of a Green Lantern ring to walk out without buying something, so my recommendation is “be prepared to find something you won’t see anywhere else, that you won’t be able to find anywhere else, and that will get snapped up by the person right behind you if you don’t get it RIGHT NOW.” I don’t say this just because many vendors were beloved friends and compatriots at previous Frightmares. I say this as someone who had to explain over and over “I’m really sorry, but someone grabbed it seconds after you put it back down, and I don’t have another.” (When I would come out on Friday afternoon with 35 tubs full of plants and leave on Sunday afternoon with three, and that’s after having to drag out additional tubs of plants on Saturday and Sunday mornings, well, that says how intense the shopping experience can be. Attendees save up all year for Frightmare, and they’re determined.)

Okay, see the gentlemen from Drink With the Living Dead showing off their hand-etched glassware? Now pay attention to the guy on the right, and not because he looks like he’s about ask you if you put on your shittin’ pants. This is Robert: not only is he an exemplary glass artist and general great guy, but you need to buy lots and lots of stuff from him for one reason. For a short time in the late 1980s, he was my roommate, and as the saying goes, he gets to go straight to Heaven because he’s done his time in Hell. (Very seriously, when the financial opportunity presents itself, expect a specialty set of St. Remedius shot and pint glasses from Robert, because I wouldn’t even think of giving the work to anybody else.)

Okay, I have one Good Sarah in my life, and then I have another. Well, a Scarah, as in Scarah, Damsel of the Doomed, a fellow veteran of many an Austin and Dallas horror event, especially the Blood Over Texas Horror For the Holidays gift bazaars. Scarah’s horror host patter is much better than mine, but she was one of the many influences on starting the St. Remedius Watch Parties, and I highly recommend her band The Immortalz. I’ll also add that Scarah and I share one very valuable and important trait, and that’s an addiction to pickles. No, that’s not some weird innuendo: she is an absolute expert on dill pickles of all sorts, and we had a good half-hour discussion on New Jersey farmer’s market dills and how the combination of cucumber cultivars and New Jersey soil made some of the best pickles I’ve ever eaten. (I am an absolute Texas produce partisan, to the point where I fill my deep freezer with East Texas blueberries every summer because they’re even better than Ontario blueberries, but nobody but nobody makes dill pickles the way New Jersey folks make dill pickles. And I don’t say that just because Jason Mewes helped me set up my table at my first Frightmare and I still owe him for the kindness.)

And then we have the tributes. As mentioned before, the Frightmare staff is both precise and professional, a delight compared to many conventions, and Jeb down in the bottom right is a lot of the reason why Frightmare has one of the best security teams I’ve ever had the joy of working with. (Even if my truck was struck by lightning as I was arriving at the 2015 Frightmare and they all started calling me “Sparky.” Yeah, I deserved it, but STILL.) Jeb was one of my first customers after the second gallery opened, and I still miss him every day.

Also for absent friends: I first met Danielle at one of my first Frightmares, and Rod would have wanted to be at this one, too, so it made sense to bring them along in spirit. I also miss them both every day, and it wouldn’t have been right not to pay tribute to their memories. Rest easy, friends.

Now will there be other Frightmare appearances? That’s a really good question. The plan right now is to back off and let the staff NOT have to deal with me, but continue working on projects until such a time that I’m worthy to conduct presentations. If I earn the privilege of becoming a guest, you’ll know I’ve arrived. And until then, it may be time to hype up St. Remedius further, so there’s a chance of a St. Remedius table at next year’s show. It won’t be the same as three tables packed to the edges with carnivorous plants, but then nothing is.

Other Reading

If you haven’t taken a look in a while, the Bookshop.org storefront for St. Remedius is freshly reloaded with even more reading options. In addition, the site’s Research page contains links to this and publishers and booksellers in need of inclusion: I don’t get a thing by recommending the publishers and booksellers, other than relief that they’re doing what they’re doing. Either way, feel free to browse, peruse, and purchase, and know that every purchase makes Andy Jassy at Amazon cry.

Events

The Campus and Off-Campus Activities section continues to fill with possibilities, but of particular note for Dallas locals is that the venerable goth club Panoptikon celebrates its 20th birthday on May 29 from 9:00 pm to 2:00 am, and there’s no way I’d miss out on helping to celebrate that milestone

In addition, for those who can’t get to Dallas for reasons, the new St. Remedius Watch Party channel is live on Twitch every Saturday at 2 pm Central Time. (Because of various issues with rights on different platforms, the Watch Party runs on Twitch while we all watch the movie in question, this time Jason and the Argonauts, on your format of choice, whether streaming or physical media. All are welcome, and you have the option of simply watching the film, joining in the chat area, or listening to my vapid commentary. Either way, bring your choice of snacks.)

Also, the Postcard Liberation Front continues: I’m sending off an additional 100 postcards as I write this, but there’s plenty more still available. No cost, no obligation, no expectations: just free vintage postcards to anybody who asks. If you haven’t gotten yours already, feel free to get in on the dogpile. If you have, give a friend’s address so as to spread the wealth. Either way, everyone wins.

Final Words

Texas Frightmare Weekend isn’t the only event intended to be crashed by St. Remedius. Just keep watching.

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.